Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
