So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
