Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
