Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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