if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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