i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
