whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
