Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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