Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
