I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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