I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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