I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
