Rock
Scissors
Fuck
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
