mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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