Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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