My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
