Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
