Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
