3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
