So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
