new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
