Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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