Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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