Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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