sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
