He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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