hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
