I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dating After Heartbreak
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels