This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
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Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"