I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."