If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
