Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize