he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am spending my child support on dildos
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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