I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Holy sore nipples Batman
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
