I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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