were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
