i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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