I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
