So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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