So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
