I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
