Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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