I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
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As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
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I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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