I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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