I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
