i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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