at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
