Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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