I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
