I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
