Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
