I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
