OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
