when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
